I accidentally burped into my bong.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have aggressive nipples.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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