I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
