I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
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