what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
