She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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