I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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