I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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