my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
