Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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