the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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