My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
