I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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