insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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