$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
