I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize