I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
