mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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