I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
