you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
