WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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