I want to have your abortion
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
