some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
