dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
