When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
