I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
