Farmville is her only friend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
