I'm really into asian looking animals
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
