Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
