No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
