For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
