I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
