Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
