If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
