i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
