Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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