Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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