I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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