so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
