Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize