tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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