I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
