I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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