Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
