I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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