the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
