Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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