I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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