This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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