I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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