sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
