Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
