I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
