That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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