I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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