I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
