i jhust puked up my retainher.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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