Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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