I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
