My friends, they love my intelligence
my mouth tastes like poor choices
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
